The word "expectation" has been used a countlessly in the last couple of weeks. Currently, I have so much happening in my life that I cannot help throwing the word around daily. As humans we constantly create an ideology on how things should be or behaved. Everyone somehow "needs" to play a role in this society, so we can damn ourselves as civilized individuals.
As I speak, my Granny's health is ailing. My family and I have spoken of this situation and the "what if"s - if I am expected to return home, if I am expected at her wake. The answers always have been "do what you can and if you can't, it is perfectly alright."
The situation has arises and my father has already hopped on the next flight out to Singapore. While pouring out my thoughts, I imagine my father sitting by my Granny's bedside holding onto her frail hands comforting her. Whispering to her, it is okay. It is okay.
I know her days are numbered. While we are oceans apart, I am frantically trying to remember what great memories I had with her, but I could not come up with any. She hardly spoke to me, never affectionate and seemly cold. We have taken trips together but it never entails into anything I wished I could grasp on for years to come. She was just Granny, who sat in her favorite chair who nodded, smiling constantly, and was always working on a craft project to donate back to the temple.
Maybe I expected more from Granny, as I struggled with my childhood. My parents divorced when I was 9 years old, which makes me constantly yearn for love and I felt none from her. Granny is a big-hearted lady who has done many goods and I am sure many were unspoken off.
Guilt arises while I pour my feelings over expectation. What is expected out of me? As a grandchild? As a family member? Although, my family has been wonderfully understand about why my return home isn't possible, I cannot help not to shake off this feeling that is a "silent" expectation. I am expected to be home at such times.
In life, it is possible not to create any expectations, as expectations sometimes will lead to disappointments. Does expectations create unnecessary unhappiness?
I wish Granny well and peace. I wish I could be there for her and the family. Sending many good thoughts and prayers her way.