O my! It has been UBER months since I last wrote….
Madness! Time files too fast and it will be June soon!
So much have been going on….The last few months has been crazy. Literally crazy! I had so much self searching homework to do. So my last obsession was my diet and crazy need to workout 6 days week. In a way was a good distraction from the real pain I had to deal with. I did lose weight, a little too much at one tiny point but still not where I want my body to be. I am less obsessed about working out – though I have numerous thoughts in a day of how chunky I actually am!
I started seeing a new therapist. I am really not quiet feeling her yet. She recommends I write my thoughts. It would be a good practice to say how I really feel. I think it is true. Whatever I write on this blog isn’t really about what the hell is REALLY going on in my freaking life. I am afraid of being judge….if my thoughts are made into words .
In April, I saw Jodi Livon, and confirmed I am not a crazy person. Dead people can speak to me too. This is a “gift” I knew I had since I had kid and it just had gotten worst over the years. “They” like to bug me, stalk me, frighten me, and tell me to bad things to people. Yucks! So learning to protect myself is key and they will leave me alone – hopefully.
And of course, dealing my parents and the fact that they do not wish to address my sexual abuse when was a child…. This is the part I feel I am having trouble expressing… I feel nobody in my family gets it. They love to tell me move on. So I am left to deal with this sexual crap, with zero family support and I feel terribly lonely. I have learned that nobody really cares. It just seems that I am “useful” to mom, dad and my Ee because I fulfilled their emotional needs. Which has made me take a step back and look at who in my life really cares and I should filter out those that do me no good.
It is so bad to just cut people out of my life. But I have no idea of how to handle people that don’t really want to understand me. Frank said it has made me a “colder” person. I guess I have to do what I have to do to “protect” myself, and we can talk more when I am healed.
I am so thankful to have Frank. He has been my rock and without him…I really don’t know how I would be able to carry on….
So much for now….